More from the diaries of Lilias Trotter:
Instead of the still circle of water I expected to see, it was
all heaving and rippling in swelling circles. Then it stopped and grew quiet
and while I was wondering if my eyes could have deceived me, the trembling
began and all was repeated. Some periodic upburst from the hidden spring below
- then all grew glass again. I never knew before what the "well of water
springing up" meant. I thought of it vaguely as a springing all the time -
but this is so much more like His way with our souls. A sudden rising and
flooding of the under-lying life, and then a sinking back with stillness.
"Out of him shall
flow" comes afresh these days, brought home by a landlocked backwater in
the little river here, that only lets its stream filter slowly through a bank
of stones instead of running free. The still pool of living water lies in every
saved soul, keeping life within that little plot of a river. A river is wide
open to its source, and as wide open to the needs lower down. We need barriers
down, man-ward as well as God-ward - to believe for the outflowing as
definitely as the inflowing.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Saturday, November 24, 2012
How to go and do Likewise
"A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers, who stripped him and beat him and departed, leaving him half dead. Now by chance a priest was going down that road, and when he saw him he passed by on the other side. So likewise a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was, and when he saw him, he had compassion." Luke 10:30-33 ESV
In 1973 two Princeton University psychologists, John Darley and Daniel Batson, invited a group of seminary students to participate in a study. Each student was asked to prepare a short talk on the parable of the Good Samaritan. When finished, each student was sent across campus, ostensibly to film his speech to be evaluated in a study on effective communication. Just as each participant left, the experimenter looked at his watch and said something like, "Oh, you're late."
In every instance, the student rushed out the door to get across campus, only to encounter a man slumped in an alley, head down, groaning and coughing—an actor placed in the student's path by the psychologists. One by one, these religious men, who had just read and prepared a lesson on the parable of the Good Samaritan, were put in a position to practice what they planned to preach.
The results were amazing. Only 10 percent of the participants stopped to help—and it gets worse. "Indeed, on several occasions, a seminary student going to give his talk on the parable of the Good Samaritan literally stepped over the victim as he hurried on his way." 1
We all probably wonder how we would have reacted in the same situation. While none of us has the physical or emotional resources to meet every need we encounter, neither should we be blind and unfeeling toward those around us who are suffering. We can't do everything, and doing good deeds is not the same thing as knowing Christ, but all of us who claim to know Christ should be doing something. Has God used you to serve others lately? If not, perhaps you should consider the following suggestions.
Be aware of the tyranny of time.
In the study cited above, the number of students who stopped to help increased to 65% when the participants were not told that they were late. This is still a dismal percentage, but it does illustrate how we can be distracted from the needs of others when we are in a hurry.
Are you always in a rush? Then take extra care not to miss the opportunities for one-to-one service God places in your path. Two friends of mine on the way to church happened onto a driver stuck in the mud at the side of the road. Instead of passing by, they stopped to help him. They freed the driver, but were covered with mud in the process and ended up going back home instead of to the worship service. When they told me about it later, though, it was with shining eyes and excitement. They had great joy in this unexpected opportunity to express compassion to a stranger.
Try to look past the crowds.
Jesus ministered to individuals even when in a crowd of people. Remember blind Bartimaeus, calling for Jesus from the edge of the crowd? Or the woman with the issue of blood—Jesus stopped in His tracks to engage her, knowing that she was full of faith but too embarrassed to entreat Him directly. Ask the Holy Spirit to make you aware of needy individuals in the groups you encounter—the depressed man sitting alone at the back of the room or the child who looks frightened, or the woman with her head lowered, unable to make eye contact with anyone.
Do the unexpected.
Jesus didn't allow the social mores of the day to dictate His behavior. His disciples were shocked to find Him talking with a Samaritan woman at the well at Sychar, and Jewish leaders criticized Him for eating with tax collectors and sinners. Don't allow yourself to overlook someone who needs to hear the Gospel or needs your help just because they are different—older than you or much younger, of a different religion or unchurched, from a different income bracket or nationality.
Go out with a loving mindset.
Don't just wait for opportunities to demonstrate love—look for them. Ask the Holy Spirit to point out someone who needs to hear the Gospel today, someone who needs encouragement, or someone you can help with a physical need. Expect that God will offer you opportunities to put Jesus' words and example into practice every day, and your opportunities to serve will increase dramatically.
"Which of these three, do you think, proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell among the robbers?" He said, "The one who showed him mercy." And Jesus said to him, "You go, and do likewise." Luke 10:36-37
________________________________
1Study cited on pages 163-166, Gladwell, Malcolm, The Tipping Point, (USA Little, Brown, 2000)
In 1973 two Princeton University psychologists, John Darley and Daniel Batson, invited a group of seminary students to participate in a study. Each student was asked to prepare a short talk on the parable of the Good Samaritan. When finished, each student was sent across campus, ostensibly to film his speech to be evaluated in a study on effective communication. Just as each participant left, the experimenter looked at his watch and said something like, "Oh, you're late."
In every instance, the student rushed out the door to get across campus, only to encounter a man slumped in an alley, head down, groaning and coughing—an actor placed in the student's path by the psychologists. One by one, these religious men, who had just read and prepared a lesson on the parable of the Good Samaritan, were put in a position to practice what they planned to preach.
The results were amazing. Only 10 percent of the participants stopped to help—and it gets worse. "Indeed, on several occasions, a seminary student going to give his talk on the parable of the Good Samaritan literally stepped over the victim as he hurried on his way." 1
We all probably wonder how we would have reacted in the same situation. While none of us has the physical or emotional resources to meet every need we encounter, neither should we be blind and unfeeling toward those around us who are suffering. We can't do everything, and doing good deeds is not the same thing as knowing Christ, but all of us who claim to know Christ should be doing something. Has God used you to serve others lately? If not, perhaps you should consider the following suggestions.
Be aware of the tyranny of time.
In the study cited above, the number of students who stopped to help increased to 65% when the participants were not told that they were late. This is still a dismal percentage, but it does illustrate how we can be distracted from the needs of others when we are in a hurry.
Are you always in a rush? Then take extra care not to miss the opportunities for one-to-one service God places in your path. Two friends of mine on the way to church happened onto a driver stuck in the mud at the side of the road. Instead of passing by, they stopped to help him. They freed the driver, but were covered with mud in the process and ended up going back home instead of to the worship service. When they told me about it later, though, it was with shining eyes and excitement. They had great joy in this unexpected opportunity to express compassion to a stranger.
Try to look past the crowds.
Jesus ministered to individuals even when in a crowd of people. Remember blind Bartimaeus, calling for Jesus from the edge of the crowd? Or the woman with the issue of blood—Jesus stopped in His tracks to engage her, knowing that she was full of faith but too embarrassed to entreat Him directly. Ask the Holy Spirit to make you aware of needy individuals in the groups you encounter—the depressed man sitting alone at the back of the room or the child who looks frightened, or the woman with her head lowered, unable to make eye contact with anyone.
Do the unexpected.
Jesus didn't allow the social mores of the day to dictate His behavior. His disciples were shocked to find Him talking with a Samaritan woman at the well at Sychar, and Jewish leaders criticized Him for eating with tax collectors and sinners. Don't allow yourself to overlook someone who needs to hear the Gospel or needs your help just because they are different—older than you or much younger, of a different religion or unchurched, from a different income bracket or nationality.
Go out with a loving mindset.
Don't just wait for opportunities to demonstrate love—look for them. Ask the Holy Spirit to point out someone who needs to hear the Gospel today, someone who needs encouragement, or someone you can help with a physical need. Expect that God will offer you opportunities to put Jesus' words and example into practice every day, and your opportunities to serve will increase dramatically.
1Study cited on pages 163-166, Gladwell, Malcolm, The Tipping Point, (USA Little, Brown, 2000)
Copyright © 2006 Susan Verstraete.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
31 Reasons Believers Should Give Thanks
1. Because God is good. 1 Chronicles 16:34
2. Because it is a correct response to God’s righteousness. Psalm 7:17
3. Because the Lord helps us. Psalm 28:7
4. Because thanksgiving glorifies God. Psalm 50:23
5. Because His name is good. Psalm 54:6
6. Because thanksgiving magnifies God. Psalm 69:30
7. Because God is near to us. Psalm 75:1
8. Because God will ultimately deliver His people from their enemies. Psalm 79:13
9. Because it is a good thing to do. Psalm 92:1
10. Because God is faithful to all generations. Psalm 100:5
11. Because God’s steadfast love endures forever. Psalm 107:1
12. Because of God’s wondrous works. Psalm 107:8
13. Because God is our salvation. Psalm 118:21
14. Because He is our God. Psalm 118:28
15. Because God has exalted His own name and His word. Psalm 138:2
16. Because thanksgiving is a characteristic of righteous people. Psalm 140:13
17. Because we are His workmanship and the recipients of His mercy. Psalm 145:9-10
18. Because His anger has been turned away from us. Isaiah 12:1
19. Because of Jesus’ example of giving thanks. Luke 22:19
20. Because others have heard an account of faithful believers. Romans 1:8
21. Because we are no longer slaves to sin. Romans 6:17
22. Because we see God’s grace working in other believers. 1 Corinthians 1:4
23. Because we are given victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Corinthians 15:57
24. Because of answered prayer. 2 Corinthians 1:11
25. Because God works through believers to spread knowledge of Himself. 2 Corinthians 2:14
26. Because we are commanded to give thanks always and for everything. Ephesians 5:20
27. Because it is God’s will that we give thanks in all circumstances. 1 Thessalonians 5:18
28. Because we see God’s love demonstrated by other believers. 2 Thessalonians 1:3
29. Because God entrusts us with the task of serving Him. 1 Timothy 1:12
30. Because we remember believing friends. Philemon 1:4
31. Because we have received a kingdom that cannot be shaken. Hebrews 12:28
Know that the LORD, he is God! It is He who made us, and we are His; we are His people, and the sheep of His pasture. Enter His gates with thanksgiving, and His courts with praise! Give thanks to Him; bless his name! For the LORD is good; His steadfast love endures forever, and His faithfulness to all generations.
Psalm 100:3-5
Psalm 100:3-5
Copyright © 2011 Susan Verstraete.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Two kinds of service
Two glad services are ours
Both the Master loves to bless
First we serve with all our powers
Then with all our helplessness.
Charles Fox
Both the Master loves to bless
First we serve with all our powers
Then with all our helplessness.
Charles Fox
Saturday, November 17, 2012
How to Become Radio-Active
A newlywed friend of mine confessed surprise concerning her new husband. She had known from the beginning that he supported a particular Christian radio station, 
but what she hadn't realized was that he listened to it constantly. The station woke them up in the morning on the clock radio and played in the background as they ate breakfast. The car radio was tuned to that same station for the trip to and from work, and the minute they entered their apartment at night, he flicked the stereo on so they wouldn't miss his favorite evening programs.
Granted, this was an extreme case, but according to a recent poll by George Barna, nine of the ten people sharing your pew last Sunday listen to Christian radio. Instead of passively listening to whatever comes on next (like my friends), I'd like to suggest a radio-active approach to help you choose the best programs. Here are a few questions to use as guidelines:
Pure Gospel or Another Gospel?
Does the teacher add anything to the gospel? The apostle Paul applies some of the strongest language in Scripture against those who would add any work to the message of salvation by faith alone through Christ alone (Galatians 5:12). Anyone who teaches that baptism or anything we do contributes to justification or adds to Jesus' finished work on the cross should be avoided. Conversely, anyone who teaches that good works do not necessarily follow salvation is in error.
Scriptural or Psychological?
Does the teacher generally find the answers for life's difficulties in the Scriptures or in psychology? This error is especially noticeable on some radio call-in shows devoted to counseling, where biblical terms are redefined into psychological ones. Someone caught up in sin is called an addict. Depression and anxiety are treated not primarily as spiritual issues but as physical ones. Much emphasis is placed, not on dying to self, but on self-esteem. Such teaching can be a serious stumbling block to Christian maturity, converting believers from servants to "takers" and from sinners in need of grace to blame-shifters.
Doctrinal or Sensational?
Does the teacher expound the Scriptures or does he rely most heavily on private revelation from God or signs-and-wonders? Does he or she promise things the Bible doesn't, like wealth, healing from every disease or a pain-free life? The New Testament writers take it for granted that there will be difficulty and suffering in this life (1 Peter 4:19). To promise anything else sets listeners up for disappointment with God. Likewise, to teach that an individual should normally receive special revelation from God or experiences like uncontrollable language or laughter is unbiblical and can only lead to discouragement or dangerous flights of imagination.
A few more questions to help you evaluate a teacher:
but what she hadn't realized was that he listened to it constantly. The station woke them up in the morning on the clock radio and played in the background as they ate breakfast. The car radio was tuned to that same station for the trip to and from work, and the minute they entered their apartment at night, he flicked the stereo on so they wouldn't miss his favorite evening programs.Granted, this was an extreme case, but according to a recent poll by George Barna, nine of the ten people sharing your pew last Sunday listen to Christian radio. Instead of passively listening to whatever comes on next (like my friends), I'd like to suggest a radio-active approach to help you choose the best programs. Here are a few questions to use as guidelines:
Pure Gospel or Another Gospel?
Does the teacher add anything to the gospel? The apostle Paul applies some of the strongest language in Scripture against those who would add any work to the message of salvation by faith alone through Christ alone (Galatians 5:12). Anyone who teaches that baptism or anything we do contributes to justification or adds to Jesus' finished work on the cross should be avoided. Conversely, anyone who teaches that good works do not necessarily follow salvation is in error.
Scriptural or Psychological?
Does the teacher generally find the answers for life's difficulties in the Scriptures or in psychology? This error is especially noticeable on some radio call-in shows devoted to counseling, where biblical terms are redefined into psychological ones. Someone caught up in sin is called an addict. Depression and anxiety are treated not primarily as spiritual issues but as physical ones. Much emphasis is placed, not on dying to self, but on self-esteem. Such teaching can be a serious stumbling block to Christian maturity, converting believers from servants to "takers" and from sinners in need of grace to blame-shifters.
Doctrinal or Sensational?
Does the teacher expound the Scriptures or does he rely most heavily on private revelation from God or signs-and-wonders? Does he or she promise things the Bible doesn't, like wealth, healing from every disease or a pain-free life? The New Testament writers take it for granted that there will be difficulty and suffering in this life (1 Peter 4:19). To promise anything else sets listeners up for disappointment with God. Likewise, to teach that an individual should normally receive special revelation from God or experiences like uncontrollable language or laughter is unbiblical and can only lead to discouragement or dangerous flights of imagination.
A few more questions to help you evaluate a teacher:
- Is he or she faithfully interacting with Scripture, or have you noticed verses taken out of context or twisted to promote a certain point of view? Does he teach all of Scripture?
- Is the teacher moved by his own teaching? Does he admit to being awed by God's majesty, convicted of personal sin and challenged to greater service, or does he give the impression of having attained perfection?
- Does this teacher exhibit the fruit of the Spirit in his life, or is he mean-spirited, belittling those who disagree with him? Is he usually angry or unnecessarily divisive over non-essential matters?
- Does this teacher consider biblical doctrine to be paramount, or are feelings and personal experience elevated to primary importance? Does the teacher have a high view of God and of Scripture? Does his teaching challenge you to follow God more closely, or does it simply make you feel better about who you are now?
- Ask your pastor for input.
Ask your pastor if he has a radio program he recommends. You may also want to ask for his opinion about some of the programs you listen to regularly so that you can benefit from his insight. - Use technology to make the most of the good programs. Are the best programs broadcast at a time you can't listen? Use a timer on your stereo to tape programs and listen at a more convenient time. Another way to make the most of a good program might be to listen via their website, where you can usually find archives of past broadcasts. Your church may offer online sermons you can listen to over the Internet, or to download to an MP3 player. Check the websites of seminaries and ministries associated with your church for more online audio options.
- Invest in an audio Bible. Instead of always listening to others talking about the Bible, consider investing in a good quality set of CDs or tapes of the Bible. One friend who listens to her audio Bible regularly says that she can listen to the same tape several times and hear something new nearly every time.
Copyright © 2005 Susan Verstraete.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
On waiting for souls to come to Christ
From the diaries of Lilis Trotter, 1853-1928, a missionary to Algeria.
I have been thinking lately what a work for God it is, just loving people. He says in Deut. 22: "If an ox or an ass has gone astray, thou shalt bring it unto thine own house, and it shall be with thee till thy brother seek after it." I think He gives us sometimes a like service for souls - wandering souls that we cannot bring back to Him; sometimes all we can do is to keep them near us, and show the kindness of God to them, and hold them in faith and prayer till He comes to seek them.
- 25 April 1891
I have been thinking lately what a work for God it is, just loving people. He says in Deut. 22: "If an ox or an ass has gone astray, thou shalt bring it unto thine own house, and it shall be with thee till thy brother seek after it." I think He gives us sometimes a like service for souls - wandering souls that we cannot bring back to Him; sometimes all we can do is to keep them near us, and show the kindness of God to them, and hold them in faith and prayer till He comes to seek them.
- 25 April 1891
Saturday, November 10, 2012
What if You Were Preston's Teacher?
His Sunday school teacher just might have driven him to crime.
When seven-year-old Preston Scarbrough woke up early one Sunday morning in July 2009, he just didn't want to go to church. He slipped out of the house while his family slept, got in the car and went for a drive that ended in a police chase reaching speeds of 40 miles an hour. Preston ran through a stop sign and barely missed hitting other cars in his effort to avoid capture. The police pursued Preston back to his home, where he jumped out of the car, ran into the house and down to the basement to hide.1
I don't know what your first thought was, but when I heard this story, my heart went out to his Sunday school teacher. Can you imagine how she must have felt? There was one of her students on the national news, fleeing police, all in an effort to avoid this Sunday's Primary class. It would cause even the most seasoned and gifted teacher to reevaluate her approach.
Let's imagine that Preston was one of our students—yours or mine. Besides the fact that all little boys have active sin natures, what else might cause him to go to such lengths just to ditch church?
Does he know what to expect? Every class needs some sort of structure or schedule. Children feel secure in knowing what to expect from week to week. This is not to say you can never vary your routine, but establish some sort of continuity. It might be as simple as keeping the same order for prayer time, song time, memory verse time, story time and snack time each week.
Does he dread the chaos? Children don't look forward to attending a class that's out of control. When the teacher has to spend most of class correcting or cajoling the children to behave, no one learns much of anything and timid children feel insecure and frightened. Decide now that you are going to have a disciplined classroom, and do what it takes to make it one. Give the children clear direction. They should know not to speak without raising their hand during story time, for example, and that all the legs of the chair need to be on the floor all the time. You'll think of other rules. Enforce them consistently.
Having a disciplined classroom may also mean taking a firmer stance toward misbehaving children. Try giving them specific consequences for poor behavior—and if the behavior continues, don't be afraid to talk with parents after class (although usually, just reminding a child that you are willing to do this is enough!). You may want to assign seating or rearrange your classroom to keep troublemakers apart. But don't forget to reward good behavior, too, by calling attention to it and praising it.
Even using the best methods, you might need help to get your classroom under consistent control, especially if you have a large group. If so, ask the superintendent or leader responsible to have someone sit in on your class specifically to deal with children who misbehave. It's a little humbling for us as teachers to ask for help, but do it for the sake of your students.
Is he bored? Some children may be bored in class no matter how engaging the teacher is, but if most of your kids have glazed eyes and no response to the lesson most of the time, you might be the problem. Are you excited about what you are teaching? Your enthusiasm will be contagious. Are you teaching at the children's level? Aiming too low or too high will cause the children to lose interest. Did you spend enough time in the Bible, preparing your lesson? Even if you've taught Noah's ark every year for the last 20, take a fresh look at it and ask for God's help each time you teach it. He may show you something you never saw before, something He has specifically planned for you to teach your kids.
Does he know you love him? The well-known hymn writer Frances Ridley Havergal taught a children's Sunday school class for many years. Miss Havergal kept a register with all her students' names, addresses and attendance records. She knew each pupil, what their family was like and what their prayer requests were. She prayed for each child every day and took an interest in everything the children were doing. She visited them when they were sick and took every opportunity to talk to them about their soul. Her students loved her dearly because she loved them so much.
Even without using the latest high-tech methods or pandering with entertainment-based presentations, you can make your Sunday school class one of the high points in a child's week rather than something to avoid at any cost.
___________________________
1 Reported in USA Today. http://blogs.usatoday.com/ondeadline/2009/07/utah-boy-7-drives-off-to-avoid-going-to-church-.html
When seven-year-old Preston Scarbrough woke up early one Sunday morning in July 2009, he just didn't want to go to church. He slipped out of the house while his family slept, got in the car and went for a drive that ended in a police chase reaching speeds of 40 miles an hour. Preston ran through a stop sign and barely missed hitting other cars in his effort to avoid capture. The police pursued Preston back to his home, where he jumped out of the car, ran into the house and down to the basement to hide.1
I don't know what your first thought was, but when I heard this story, my heart went out to his Sunday school teacher. Can you imagine how she must have felt? There was one of her students on the national news, fleeing police, all in an effort to avoid this Sunday's Primary class. It would cause even the most seasoned and gifted teacher to reevaluate her approach.
Let's imagine that Preston was one of our students—yours or mine. Besides the fact that all little boys have active sin natures, what else might cause him to go to such lengths just to ditch church?
Does he know what to expect? Every class needs some sort of structure or schedule. Children feel secure in knowing what to expect from week to week. This is not to say you can never vary your routine, but establish some sort of continuity. It might be as simple as keeping the same order for prayer time, song time, memory verse time, story time and snack time each week.
Does he dread the chaos? Children don't look forward to attending a class that's out of control. When the teacher has to spend most of class correcting or cajoling the children to behave, no one learns much of anything and timid children feel insecure and frightened. Decide now that you are going to have a disciplined classroom, and do what it takes to make it one. Give the children clear direction. They should know not to speak without raising their hand during story time, for example, and that all the legs of the chair need to be on the floor all the time. You'll think of other rules. Enforce them consistently.
Having a disciplined classroom may also mean taking a firmer stance toward misbehaving children. Try giving them specific consequences for poor behavior—and if the behavior continues, don't be afraid to talk with parents after class (although usually, just reminding a child that you are willing to do this is enough!). You may want to assign seating or rearrange your classroom to keep troublemakers apart. But don't forget to reward good behavior, too, by calling attention to it and praising it.
Even using the best methods, you might need help to get your classroom under consistent control, especially if you have a large group. If so, ask the superintendent or leader responsible to have someone sit in on your class specifically to deal with children who misbehave. It's a little humbling for us as teachers to ask for help, but do it for the sake of your students.
Is he bored? Some children may be bored in class no matter how engaging the teacher is, but if most of your kids have glazed eyes and no response to the lesson most of the time, you might be the problem. Are you excited about what you are teaching? Your enthusiasm will be contagious. Are you teaching at the children's level? Aiming too low or too high will cause the children to lose interest. Did you spend enough time in the Bible, preparing your lesson? Even if you've taught Noah's ark every year for the last 20, take a fresh look at it and ask for God's help each time you teach it. He may show you something you never saw before, something He has specifically planned for you to teach your kids.
Does he know you love him? The well-known hymn writer Frances Ridley Havergal taught a children's Sunday school class for many years. Miss Havergal kept a register with all her students' names, addresses and attendance records. She knew each pupil, what their family was like and what their prayer requests were. She prayed for each child every day and took an interest in everything the children were doing. She visited them when they were sick and took every opportunity to talk to them about their soul. Her students loved her dearly because she loved them so much.
Even without using the latest high-tech methods or pandering with entertainment-based presentations, you can make your Sunday school class one of the high points in a child's week rather than something to avoid at any cost.
___________________________
1 Reported in USA Today. http://blogs.usatoday.com/ondeadline/2009/07/utah-boy-7-drives-off-to-avoid-going-to-church-.html
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
When He Will Not Lead: Suggestions for Christian Wives in a Difficult Situation
A woman called the ministry where I work looking for help, and I could hear the anguish in her voice. She'd tried everything she could think of to get her Christian husband to shoulder the responsibility of spiritual leadership in their family, but nothing worked. In fact, things were getting worse, and she was so angry that she struggled 
just to be civil to him. She considered taking their children and leaving, but first she called us hoping that maybe we had the secret—something she could say or do that would fix what she felt was an intolerable marriage.
There's no question that this caller was in a complicated situation. I don't want to minimize her difficulty by suggesting that anyone could answer all her questions or solve her problems in a few easy steps. But there are some biblical principles that apply and might give her, and other women in her situation, hope. This is what I wish I would have told her:
You have not been forgotten. When we are chafing under a difficult situation, it's tempting to feel abandoned by God. We probably won't understand why He doesn't immediately answer our prayers, and why He doesn't bless our attempts to wiggle out of the circumstance.
It's vital to remember that every aspect of your life is under God's control. He has not forsaken you (Heb. 13:5b). This difficult circumstance comes from God's hand and is specifically designed for your good (Romans 8:28). Your husband may change, but he may not. Are you willing to humble yourself under the mighty hand of God (1 Peter 5:6) and accept whatever He ordains?
Evaluate your own attitudes. Here's a hard truth: No matter what your husband is or is not doing, all the commands of the Bible still apply to you. You are still required to respect your husband (1 Peter 3:1-2), to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show courtesy (Titus 3:2). You must put away all bitterness, wrath, anger, and evil speaking, both to him and about him (Eph. 4:31).
But just changing your behavior—gritting your teeth and biting your tongue—is not enough. If your anger toward your husband remains unchanged, your unspoken bitterness will be evident to him. He will hear disrespect in your sighs, see it in your rolled eyes, and feel it even when it's not being actively expressed. Your attitude will encourage him to be your adversary, not your leader. And you'll find it impossible to keep doing the right things unless you believe the right things. Your speech, actions, attitude and emotions toward your husband are a natural outflow of how you see the situation in which you find yourself.
Instead of just hanging on by grit and determination, look at your reactions in this difficult situation as an indicator of your own relationship with God. Are you tenderhearted and forgiving (Eph. 4:32)? Your husband's lack of leadership is no more (or less) awful than your own bitterness and pride. As we are humbled by seeing our own sinfulness, we are moved to forgive even as the Lord has forgiven us (Col. 3:13).
Be honest. It's okay to tell your husband what you want, and your duty to him as his sister in Christ is to gently, and privately, show him where he might be in error (Matt. 18:15). Make an appointment to talk with your husband at a time when you are both calm, and approach him in a non-threatening manner. Let your husband know that you will support his leadership and that your love for him is not dependent on him conforming to your will.
Watch your speech carefully. It's easy to slip into nagging and criticism, and it sometimes takes a real effort to be supportive and positive. That's why we have to be intentional in our speech, especially if we're trying to overcome bad habits in communication. You don't need to mention his every error or point out every shortcoming (1 Pet. 4:8)—you don't need to be his mother or the Holy Spirit. Instead, try to convey the idea that you see yourself and your husband as a team.
Ask for your husband's input often, and then heed it. For example, instead of nagging when we see something that needs attention, you might gently point it out to your husband and ask, "Would you like to do this or would you like for me to handle it?"
Do the right things. There's a school of thought that says a woman should never take up the slack in a family where the man is not acting as a leader. That is a method to manipulate, and, I think, an especially dangerous one. Even if your husband does not attend church regularly or misses for trivial reasons, you need to attend church faithfully. If he neglects to lead family worship, you need to make sure the children are taught.1 Ask yourself, "What if this situation never changes?" You don't want to look back on a lifetime wasted in disobedience, waiting for something that might not happen.
Look to God. What you really want from and for your husband is change from the inside. You want him to want to fill the role that God has designed for husbands and fathers, for his own good and for God's glory. No amount of nagging or manipulation can bring about that kind of change.
But there is hope. God does answer prayer. If I could talk to our caller again, I'd urge her to continue to pray for her husband and to ask God for this supernatural gift of grace. And as she makes her request known to God and submits to His perfect will, she can experience the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, that will guard her heart and her mind in Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:6-7), no matter what happens next.
_____________________
1 I suggest finding a regular time, if possible, when your husband isn't home to read the Bible and pray with your children. It'll be less obvious to them that dad isn't participating if he isn't home.
just to be civil to him. She considered taking their children and leaving, but first she called us hoping that maybe we had the secret—something she could say or do that would fix what she felt was an intolerable marriage.There's no question that this caller was in a complicated situation. I don't want to minimize her difficulty by suggesting that anyone could answer all her questions or solve her problems in a few easy steps. But there are some biblical principles that apply and might give her, and other women in her situation, hope. This is what I wish I would have told her:
You have not been forgotten. When we are chafing under a difficult situation, it's tempting to feel abandoned by God. We probably won't understand why He doesn't immediately answer our prayers, and why He doesn't bless our attempts to wiggle out of the circumstance.
It's vital to remember that every aspect of your life is under God's control. He has not forsaken you (Heb. 13:5b). This difficult circumstance comes from God's hand and is specifically designed for your good (Romans 8:28). Your husband may change, but he may not. Are you willing to humble yourself under the mighty hand of God (1 Peter 5:6) and accept whatever He ordains?
Evaluate your own attitudes. Here's a hard truth: No matter what your husband is or is not doing, all the commands of the Bible still apply to you. You are still required to respect your husband (1 Peter 3:1-2), to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show courtesy (Titus 3:2). You must put away all bitterness, wrath, anger, and evil speaking, both to him and about him (Eph. 4:31).
But just changing your behavior—gritting your teeth and biting your tongue—is not enough. If your anger toward your husband remains unchanged, your unspoken bitterness will be evident to him. He will hear disrespect in your sighs, see it in your rolled eyes, and feel it even when it's not being actively expressed. Your attitude will encourage him to be your adversary, not your leader. And you'll find it impossible to keep doing the right things unless you believe the right things. Your speech, actions, attitude and emotions toward your husband are a natural outflow of how you see the situation in which you find yourself.
Instead of just hanging on by grit and determination, look at your reactions in this difficult situation as an indicator of your own relationship with God. Are you tenderhearted and forgiving (Eph. 4:32)? Your husband's lack of leadership is no more (or less) awful than your own bitterness and pride. As we are humbled by seeing our own sinfulness, we are moved to forgive even as the Lord has forgiven us (Col. 3:13).
Be honest. It's okay to tell your husband what you want, and your duty to him as his sister in Christ is to gently, and privately, show him where he might be in error (Matt. 18:15). Make an appointment to talk with your husband at a time when you are both calm, and approach him in a non-threatening manner. Let your husband know that you will support his leadership and that your love for him is not dependent on him conforming to your will.
Watch your speech carefully. It's easy to slip into nagging and criticism, and it sometimes takes a real effort to be supportive and positive. That's why we have to be intentional in our speech, especially if we're trying to overcome bad habits in communication. You don't need to mention his every error or point out every shortcoming (1 Pet. 4:8)—you don't need to be his mother or the Holy Spirit. Instead, try to convey the idea that you see yourself and your husband as a team.
Ask for your husband's input often, and then heed it. For example, instead of nagging when we see something that needs attention, you might gently point it out to your husband and ask, "Would you like to do this or would you like for me to handle it?"
Do the right things. There's a school of thought that says a woman should never take up the slack in a family where the man is not acting as a leader. That is a method to manipulate, and, I think, an especially dangerous one. Even if your husband does not attend church regularly or misses for trivial reasons, you need to attend church faithfully. If he neglects to lead family worship, you need to make sure the children are taught.1 Ask yourself, "What if this situation never changes?" You don't want to look back on a lifetime wasted in disobedience, waiting for something that might not happen.
Look to God. What you really want from and for your husband is change from the inside. You want him to want to fill the role that God has designed for husbands and fathers, for his own good and for God's glory. No amount of nagging or manipulation can bring about that kind of change.
But there is hope. God does answer prayer. If I could talk to our caller again, I'd urge her to continue to pray for her husband and to ask God for this supernatural gift of grace. And as she makes her request known to God and submits to His perfect will, she can experience the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, that will guard her heart and her mind in Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:6-7), no matter what happens next.
_____________________
1 I suggest finding a regular time, if possible, when your husband isn't home to read the Bible and pray with your children. It'll be less obvious to them that dad isn't participating if he isn't home.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Read this Before You Nail His Socks to the Floor
Every night for 45 years, he took off his socks and left them on the floor by the bed. And every morning, she picked them up and put them in the hamper. And every day, 
she resented doing it just a little more. At first, it was just a quick feeling of annoyance. Then she began to think about it off and on during the day. After a few years, it was a real sore point, and finally, full-blown resentment. One morning, after 45 years of picking up his socks, she took a hammer and nailed all his socks to the floor by the bed—well, all of them except the pair he was wearing. "If that's where he wants his socks," she thought, "that's where they will stay."
Can you identify with her feelings? I can. My friend had let resentment overcome her. The dictionary defines resentment as a deep, reflective displeasure against the conduct of the offender. It happens when we dwell on an offense, or when an annoyance is repeated (without being forgiven) over and over.
If we feel resentment, we can't just glibly excuse ourselves on the basis of our situation. No matter how someone else behaves toward us, resentment is still sin, and it leads to bitterness. And so, if you are considering something drastic like my friend, put down your hammer. There's a better way.
First, don't "just do it". . . Picking up the socks every day and ignoring the feelings attached to the situation can be deadly. If you really can overlook his forgetfulness, great! But if you feel resentment or nagging annoyance, it's an indication that you need to think it through, and to preach truth to yourself to change your perspective about the situation. We usually want to avoid this hard work, choosing rather to let our ire simmer. But as believers, we don't have an option to indulge sin.
. . . but do it. All that being said, you still have to do it. The Bible says that if you know what is right to do and don't do it, it is sin (James 4:17). So if you come across a spill that someone didn't wipe up, or if someone didn't show up to teach again, you can't just walk away, and you can't indulge your resentment. You need to find a way to serve in the situation presented to you with a glad heart.
Second, communicate. It probably goes without saying that often (but not always) you should talk about, and to, the source of your resentment. I'm not suggesting you nag, but we have to remember that no one is a mind reader. Try saying, if you haven't, that one way your husband or family can express love to you is to let you know if they plan to miss dinner or [insert your situation here].
Remember that what they are doing is probably just a result of forgetfulness, laziness or habit, and isn't meant to be a personal offense. And also remember that, as Elizabeth Elliot reminds us in her book Let Me Be a Woman, everyone is married to a sinner—even your husband. It's just possible that I feel resentment because I am controlling, prideful or holding the people around me to unreasonable standards. If that seems possible in your case, it's worth discussing the situation with a wise friend. Just be sure you are really asking for perspective and don't slip into complaining.
Third, preach to yourself. The Bible has given us the truth we need to change our perspective in this situation. Consider reminding yourself of the following:
Proverbs 14:4a-Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean. Or, to paraphrase, "Where there is no family, the house stays clean." One of my friends was in danger of feeling resentful toward her husband for the pile of magazines, books, bills and other papers that was always piled by his easy chair. That is, she resented it until she pictured what it would be like to have that spot clean, and his chair forever empty. Is having a family worth the small annoyances? And at church—is the joy of watching children growing up in the knowledge of Christ worth the occasional sticky-sucker-on-your-chair incident?
I Thessalonians 5:18-In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. So everyone leaves their empty glasses and snack dishes out at night for you to pick up the next day—why would you be thankful? Maybe you can thank God that your family was home enjoying each other, or that God provided food and shelter, or that you can serve your family this way while your husband is serving your family at work. When I'm annoyed over petty chores, it helps me to think about how blessed I am compared to my grandmothers, who raised their families without indoor plumbing or electricity. How can I complain about replacing the empty TP roll compared to what they had to do? Gratitude banishes resentment.
Romans 12:10-Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. We are commanded to compete with others—to see who can be the first to make the coffee or empty the trash. How different life would be if all of us competed for the privilege of mundane tasks like unloading the dishwasher! When you walk into a situation looking for ways to serve and show honor, you put to death the kind of pride that expects others to serve and honor you.
James 4:10a-Humble yourselves before the Lord… In other words, remember who you are compared with God. When we get this right, it's easy to gratefully accept the place He has put us and the little annoyances that come our way. God knows when every sparrow falls, and He knows that my grown son has a pile of empty plastic water bottles on his dresser that should be recycled. If God has ordained for me to either recycle them or live with it, I'm not going to question Him. But I have to see the water bottles in the light of truth—otherwise I may rebel against the situation and inadvertently rebel against the loving God who put me here.
Ephesians 4:32-Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. It becomes easy to forgive when we remember how we've been forgiven. What's an empty milk carton put back into the fridge, compared to my own massive debt of sin?
Philippians 2:5-8-Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. When I consider Christ, the Son of God, washing the disciples' feet, and the creator of the universe suffering for me, it's impossible to imagine a chore that is "beneath" me. Let's pray that He will teach us to serve with humility, following His example.
she resented doing it just a little more. At first, it was just a quick feeling of annoyance. Then she began to think about it off and on during the day. After a few years, it was a real sore point, and finally, full-blown resentment. One morning, after 45 years of picking up his socks, she took a hammer and nailed all his socks to the floor by the bed—well, all of them except the pair he was wearing. "If that's where he wants his socks," she thought, "that's where they will stay."Can you identify with her feelings? I can. My friend had let resentment overcome her. The dictionary defines resentment as a deep, reflective displeasure against the conduct of the offender. It happens when we dwell on an offense, or when an annoyance is repeated (without being forgiven) over and over.
If we feel resentment, we can't just glibly excuse ourselves on the basis of our situation. No matter how someone else behaves toward us, resentment is still sin, and it leads to bitterness. And so, if you are considering something drastic like my friend, put down your hammer. There's a better way.
First, don't "just do it". . . Picking up the socks every day and ignoring the feelings attached to the situation can be deadly. If you really can overlook his forgetfulness, great! But if you feel resentment or nagging annoyance, it's an indication that you need to think it through, and to preach truth to yourself to change your perspective about the situation. We usually want to avoid this hard work, choosing rather to let our ire simmer. But as believers, we don't have an option to indulge sin.
. . . but do it. All that being said, you still have to do it. The Bible says that if you know what is right to do and don't do it, it is sin (James 4:17). So if you come across a spill that someone didn't wipe up, or if someone didn't show up to teach again, you can't just walk away, and you can't indulge your resentment. You need to find a way to serve in the situation presented to you with a glad heart.
Second, communicate. It probably goes without saying that often (but not always) you should talk about, and to, the source of your resentment. I'm not suggesting you nag, but we have to remember that no one is a mind reader. Try saying, if you haven't, that one way your husband or family can express love to you is to let you know if they plan to miss dinner or [insert your situation here].
Remember that what they are doing is probably just a result of forgetfulness, laziness or habit, and isn't meant to be a personal offense. And also remember that, as Elizabeth Elliot reminds us in her book Let Me Be a Woman, everyone is married to a sinner—even your husband. It's just possible that I feel resentment because I am controlling, prideful or holding the people around me to unreasonable standards. If that seems possible in your case, it's worth discussing the situation with a wise friend. Just be sure you are really asking for perspective and don't slip into complaining.
Third, preach to yourself. The Bible has given us the truth we need to change our perspective in this situation. Consider reminding yourself of the following:
Proverbs 14:4a-Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean. Or, to paraphrase, "Where there is no family, the house stays clean." One of my friends was in danger of feeling resentful toward her husband for the pile of magazines, books, bills and other papers that was always piled by his easy chair. That is, she resented it until she pictured what it would be like to have that spot clean, and his chair forever empty. Is having a family worth the small annoyances? And at church—is the joy of watching children growing up in the knowledge of Christ worth the occasional sticky-sucker-on-your-chair incident?
I Thessalonians 5:18-In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. So everyone leaves their empty glasses and snack dishes out at night for you to pick up the next day—why would you be thankful? Maybe you can thank God that your family was home enjoying each other, or that God provided food and shelter, or that you can serve your family this way while your husband is serving your family at work. When I'm annoyed over petty chores, it helps me to think about how blessed I am compared to my grandmothers, who raised their families without indoor plumbing or electricity. How can I complain about replacing the empty TP roll compared to what they had to do? Gratitude banishes resentment.
Romans 12:10-Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. We are commanded to compete with others—to see who can be the first to make the coffee or empty the trash. How different life would be if all of us competed for the privilege of mundane tasks like unloading the dishwasher! When you walk into a situation looking for ways to serve and show honor, you put to death the kind of pride that expects others to serve and honor you.
James 4:10a-Humble yourselves before the Lord… In other words, remember who you are compared with God. When we get this right, it's easy to gratefully accept the place He has put us and the little annoyances that come our way. God knows when every sparrow falls, and He knows that my grown son has a pile of empty plastic water bottles on his dresser that should be recycled. If God has ordained for me to either recycle them or live with it, I'm not going to question Him. But I have to see the water bottles in the light of truth—otherwise I may rebel against the situation and inadvertently rebel against the loving God who put me here.
Ephesians 4:32-Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. It becomes easy to forgive when we remember how we've been forgiven. What's an empty milk carton put back into the fridge, compared to my own massive debt of sin?
Philippians 2:5-8-Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. When I consider Christ, the Son of God, washing the disciples' feet, and the creator of the universe suffering for me, it's impossible to imagine a chore that is "beneath" me. Let's pray that He will teach us to serve with humility, following His example.
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