What Holds Us Back from Letting it Go

Yesterday I finally threw them away. I had several jars of home-canned beans on a shelf in my basement that we were never going to eat. I think they were about seven years old, and I was afraid that the quality and nutritional value of the food (not to mention the taste and texture) was not good. My mom had canned them back when she was feeling well. She always canned more green beans than our family could use. After she got sick, I couldn’t bear to throw away this tangible expression of her love for us.

That’s one of the most difficult things about purging the house. How can I throw away gifts that were given as in love? The beans my mom canned, the pictures my Sunday school students draw for me, the gifts of clothing that don’t fit or the knickknacks from Christmas . . . I know you have this stuff, too.

Here’s what I try to remember:

1.       The giver never meant for this item to be a burden I need to keep shuffling from place to place in my home. Their intent was to give me something I could use or enjoy. Mom would be the first to understand about the beans. In fact, I remember her struggling to throw out huckleberries my grandmother put up—Mom experienced exactly the same situation!

2.       The gift is not the affection someone felt for me — it was a result of the affection. Throwing out an item is not throwing away love.

3.       I can keep the items that bring me joy and happy memories, like the handmade gifts from my children or a special coffee mug from my husband. Art from my students can be photographed and saved to a computer file. Some things are worth saving even if they have no other purpose but making me smile. I have a talking mustache keychain that falls into this category.

4.      Some things that make me sad will probably always make me sad. I can let them go. Today I threw away all the condolence cards I saved when my mom died.  They were sweet expressions of loving kindness from my friends, but they reminded me of an awful time in my life. (One exception to this is when grief is fresh. When mom died, I could not bear to see her photo for the first several months. Now that a few years have passed, I treasure those pictures.)

5.       Sometimes it helps to wait. If something doesn’t go in this purge, I know there will be another one next year. So if I can’t bear to let something go right now, it doesn’t mean I will have it for the rest of my life. The guilt or attachment I feel to certain items changes over time. I won’t beat myself up over holding on to a few extra items for one more year.
 

6.   Sometimes it helps to remember that one day, I will be called to give up everything. No physical item will go with me to Heaven. There's nothing I own that I need to be perfectly happy and at peace with God.

A 10 Point Theology for Decluttering

Here's what I preach to myself as I declutter in January:

1.       Life does not consist in the abundance of possessions. Luke 12:15

2.       Spiritual life can be choked out by clutter, which is part of "the cares and riches of this life. " Luke 8:14

3.       God is pleased when we give things away cheerfully.  2 Cor. 9:7

4.       Sharing our excess goods is one way to bear fruit in keeping with repentance. Luke 3:11

5.       One of God’s names is Jehova Jira – God who provides. If we give away something and end up needing it later, we can trust God to provide. Phil. 4:19

6.       Giving to those in need stores riches for us in Heaven, and is an expression of love for the church.  Luke 12:33

7.       Sharing what we have pleases God. Hebrews 13:16

8.       Everything we own has been given to us by God.  We are only stewards of our stuff. Psalm 24:1
 

9.    God is not a God of confusion, but of order (think about how this is exemplified in creation).  An orderly home reflects God's character. Genesis 1
 

10. Hoarding goods "just in case" can be a way of trusting my stuff to keep me safe and happy instead of my God. Psalm 31:6

The January House Purge

The day after Christmas is the saddest day in the kid calendar. Even if every material wish has been granted, all of us, kids and adults alike, find the reality of possession much less exciting than the expectation of it. The day after Christmas the plug has been pulled, and we all begin to circle the drain of normality. Soon the kids will return to school, the parents to work, and the cold gray months of January and February will grind on.

In our family, the tree comes down the day after Christmas. (As my cousin says, “There’s nothing sadder than a tree with no presents.”) The decorations are packed away for next year, and the annual house purging begins.

My goal in purging our home of clutter and excess is being able to access any particular item without moving other items to find it. It isn’t always possible. Another rule of thumb is that any time during the year that I hear a family member rummaging for something and getting angry as they try to dig it out, I take action. I can’t protect my husband from workplace frustration or my son from traffic or either of them from a thousand other irritations in life, but I can get rid of excess clutter and organize my home so that they can find the scissors and the tape on the first try.

As we are growing older, my husband and I find that having a few well used tools we can access freely is a thousand times better than having the perfect gadget for the job buried deep in a drawer full of other perfect gadgets. I’d rather chop a mountain of onions with my knife than move six items to unearth my perfect onion-chopper. Somehow, though, it seems we forget that during the course of the year. At least, I can say that every year, we have no shortage of items to purge. How else did I accumulate three drip coffee makers and a coffee press?

So from now until the end of January, we purge and organize and give away our excess to those who can use it joyfully. We affirm, in this practical way, that life does not consist of the abundance of our possessions (Luke 12:15).

“Christmas is built upon a beautiful and intentional paradox; that the birth of the homeless should be celebrated in every home.”
― G.K. Chesterton

“Yet as I read the birth stories about Jesus I cannot help but conclude that though the world may be tilted toward the rich and powerful, God is tilted toward the underdog.”
― Philip Yancey

“And when we give each other Christmas gifts in His name, let us remember that He has given us the sun and the moon and the stars, and the earth with its forests and mountains and oceans--and all that lives and move upon them. He has given us all green things and everything that blossoms and bears fruit and all that we quarrel about and all that we have misused--and to save us from our foolishness, from all our sins, He came down to earth and gave us Himself.”
― Sigrid Undset

“How many observe Christ's birthday! How few, His precepts!”
― Benjamin Franklin

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Isaiah 9:6

. . . for it is good to be children sometimes, and never better than at Christmas, when its mighty Founder was a child himself. - Dickens

"Who among us will celebrate Christmas correctly? Whoever finally lays down all power, all honor, all reputation, all vanity, all arrogance, all individualism beside the manger; whoever remains lowly and lets God alone be high; whoever looks at the child in the manger and sees the glory of God precisely in his lowliness." Dietrich Bonhoeffer

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly."
~ Andy Rooney

When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?
Gilbert K. Chesterton

"When God chose a human father for His Son, He chose a man who would be righteous and kind, qualities that reflect God the Father Himself." - J. Ligon Duncan III

"What God did when He sent His son into the World is an absolute guarantee that he will do everything He has ever promised to do. . . .Whatever your condition may be, whatever may happen to you, He has said, 'I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee' (Heb. 13:5 kjv)--and He will not. He has said so, and we have absolute proof that He fulfills His promises."--Martyn Lloyd-Jones

"The gift of Christmas gives you a resource--a comfort and consolation--for dealing with suffering, because in it we see God's willingness to enter this world of suffering to suffer with us and for us."--Tim Keller

"For whatever reason, God chose to make man as he is--limited and suffering and subject to sorrows and death--He had the honesty and courage to take His own medicine. . . . He has Himself gone through the whole of human experience, from the trivial irritations of family life and the cramping restrictions of hard work and lack of money to the worst horrors of pain and humiliation, defeat, despair and death. . . . He was born in poverty and died in disgrace, and thought it was worthwhile."--Dorthy Sayers

"To this poor maiden marvelous things were announced:that she should be the mother of the All Highest, whose name should be the Son of God. He would be a King and of His kingdom there would be no end. It took a mighty reach of faith to believe that this baby would play such a role. Well might Mary have said, 'Who am I, little worm, that I should bear a King?' She might have doubted, but she shut her eyes and  trusted God. . . " Martin Luther

". . . and sure you cannot act more agreeable, either to the season, to the time, or for the Glory of God, than in relieving His poor distressed servants." George Whitfield

" . . .Let us celebrate and keep this festival of our church with joy in our hearts: let the birth of a Redeemer, which redeemed us from sin, from wrath, from death, from Hell, be always remembered; may this Savior's love never be forgotten! May we sing forth all His love and glory as long as life shall last here, and through an endless eternity in the world above!" George Whitfield

A spring of living water

More from the diaries of Lilias Trotter:

Instead of the still circle of water I expected to see, it was all heaving and rippling in swelling circles. Then it stopped and grew quiet and while I was wondering if my eyes could have deceived me, the trembling began and all was repeated. Some periodic upburst from the hidden spring below - then all grew glass again. I never knew before what the "well of water springing up" meant. I thought of it vaguely as a springing all the time - but this is so much more like His way with our souls. A sudden rising and flooding of the under-lying life, and then a sinking back with stillness.

"Out of him shall flow" comes afresh these days, brought home by a landlocked backwater in the little river here, that only lets its stream filter slowly through a bank of stones instead of running free. The still pool of living water lies in every saved soul, keeping life within that little plot of a river. A river is wide open to its source, and as wide open to the needs lower down. We need barriers down, man-ward as well as God-ward - to believe for the outflowing as definitely as the inflowing.

How to go and do Likewise

"A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers, who stripped him and beat him and departed, leaving him half dead. Now by chance a priest was going down that road, and when he saw him he passed by on the other side. So likewise a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was, and when he saw him, he had compassion." Luke 10:30-33 ESV

In 1973 two Princeton University psychologists, John Darley and Daniel Batson, invited a group of seminary students to participate in a study. Each student was asked to prepare a short talk on the parable of the Good Samaritan. When finished, each student was sent across campus, ostensibly to film his speech to be evaluated in a study on effective communication. Just as each participant left, the experimenter looked at his watch and said something like, "Oh, you're late."

In every instance, the student rushed out the door to get across campus, only to encounter a man slumped in an alley, head down, groaning and coughing—an actor placed in the student's path by the psychologists. One by one, these religious men, who had just read and prepared a lesson on the parable of the Good Samaritan, were put in a position to practice what they planned to preach.
The results were amazing. Only 10 percent of the participants stopped to help—and it gets worse. "Indeed, on several occasions, a seminary student going to give his talk on the parable of the Good Samaritan literally stepped over the victim as he hurried on his way." ¹

We all probably wonder how we would have reacted in the same situation. While none of us has the physical or emotional resources to meet every need we encounter, neither should we be blind and unfeeling toward those around us who are suffering. We can't do everything, and doing good deeds is not the same thing as knowing Christ, but all of us who claim to know Christ should be doing something. Has God used you to serve others lately? If not, perhaps you should consider the following suggestions.

Be aware of the tyranny of time.
In the study cited above, the number of students who stopped to help increased to 65% when the participants were not told that they were late. This is still a dismal percentage, but it does illustrate how we can be distracted from the needs of others when we are in a hurry.
Are you always in a rush? Then take extra care not to miss the opportunities for one-to-one service God places in your path. Two friends of mine on the way to church happened onto a driver stuck in the mud at the side of the road. Instead of passing by, they stopped to help him. They freed the driver, but were covered with mud in the process and ended up going back home instead of to the worship service. When they told me about it later, though, it was with shining eyes and excitement. They had great joy in this unexpected opportunity to express compassion to a stranger.

Try to look past the crowds.
Jesus ministered to individuals even when in a crowd of people. Remember blind Bartimaeus, calling for Jesus from the edge of the crowd? Or the woman with the issue of blood—Jesus stopped in His tracks to engage her, knowing that she was full of faith but too embarrassed to entreat Him directly. Ask the Holy Spirit to make you aware of needy individuals in the groups you encounter—the depressed man sitting alone at the back of the room or the child who looks frightened, or the woman with her head lowered, unable to make eye contact with anyone.

Do the unexpected.
Jesus didn't allow the social mores of the day to dictate His behavior. His disciples were shocked to find Him talking with a Samaritan woman at the well at Sychar, and Jewish leaders criticized Him for eating with tax collectors and sinners. Don't allow yourself to overlook someone who needs to hear the Gospel or needs your help just because they are different—older than you or much younger, of a different religion or unchurched, from a different income bracket or nationality.

Go out with a loving mindset.
Don't just wait for opportunities to demonstrate love—look for them. Ask the Holy Spirit to point out someone who needs to hear the Gospel today, someone who needs encouragement, or someone you can help with a physical need. Expect that God will offer you opportunities to put Jesus' words and example into practice every day, and your opportunities to serve will increase dramatically.

"Which of these three, do you think, proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell among the robbers?" He said, "The one who showed him mercy." And Jesus said to him, "You go, and do likewise." Luke 10:36-37 ________________________________
¹Study cited on pages 163-166, Gladwell, Malcolm, The Tipping Point, (USA Little, Brown, 2000)

Copyright © 2006 Susan Verstraete.

31 Reasons Believers Should Give Thanks

1. Because God is good. 1 Chronicles 16:34

2. Because it is a correct response to God’s righteousness. Psalm 7:17

3. Because the Lord helps us. Psalm 28:7

4. Because thanksgiving glorifies God. Psalm 50:23

5. Because His name is good. Psalm 54:6

6. Because thanksgiving magnifies God. Psalm 69:30

7. Because God is near to us. Psalm 75:1

8. Because God will ultimately deliver His people from their enemies. Psalm 79:13

9. Because it is a good thing to do. Psalm 92:1

10. Because God is faithful to all generations. Psalm 100:5

11. Because God’s steadfast love endures forever. Psalm 107:1

12. Because of God’s wondrous works. Psalm 107:8

13. Because God is our salvation. Psalm 118:21

14. Because He is our God. Psalm 118:28

15. Because God has exalted His own name and His word. Psalm 138:2

16. Because thanksgiving is a characteristic of righteous people. Psalm 140:13

17. Because we are His workmanship and the recipients of His mercy. Psalm 145:9-10

18. Because His anger has been turned away from us. Isaiah 12:1

19. Because of Jesus’ example of giving thanks. Luke 22:19

20. Because others have heard an account of faithful believers. Romans 1:8

21. Because we are no longer slaves to sin. Romans 6:17

22. Because we see God’s grace working in other believers. 1 Corinthians 1:4

23. Because we are given victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Corinthians 15:57

24. Because of answered prayer. 2 Corinthians 1:11

25. Because God works through believers to spread knowledge of Himself. 2 Corinthians 2:14

26. Because we are commanded to give thanks always and for everything. Ephesians 5:20

27. Because it is God’s will that we give thanks in all circumstances. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

28. Because we see God’s love demonstrated by other believers. 2 Thessalonians 1:3

29. Because God entrusts us with the task of serving Him. 1 Timothy 1:12

30. Because we remember believing friends. Philemon 1:4

31. Because we have received a kingdom that cannot be shaken. Hebrews 12:28

Know that the LORD, he is God! It is He who made us, and we are His; we are His people, and the sheep of His pasture. Enter His gates with thanksgiving, and His courts with praise! Give thanks to Him; bless his name! For the LORD is good; His steadfast love endures forever, and His faithfulness to all generations.
Psalm 100:3-5

 

 

Copyright © 2011 Susan Verstraete.

Two kinds of service

Two glad services are ours
Both the Master loves to bless
First we serve with all our powers
Then with all our helplessness.


Charles Fox

How to Become Radio-Active

A newlywed friend of mine confessed surprise concerning her new husband. She had known from the beginning that he supported a particular Christian radio station, but what she hadn't realized was that he listened to it constantly. The station woke them up in the morning on the clock radio and played in the background as they ate breakfast. The car radio was tuned to that same station for the trip to and from work, and the minute they entered their apartment at night, he flicked the stereo on so they wouldn't miss his favorite evening programs.

Granted, this was an extreme case, but according to a recent poll by George Barna, nine of the ten people sharing your pew last Sunday listen to Christian radio. Instead of passively listening to whatever comes on next (like my friends), I'd like to suggest a radio-active approach to help you choose the best programs. Here are a few questions to use as guidelines:

Pure Gospel or Another Gospel?
Does the teacher add anything to the gospel? The apostle Paul applies some of the strongest language in Scripture against those who would add any work to the message of salvation by faith alone through Christ alone (Galatians 5:12). Anyone who teaches that baptism or anything we do contributes to justification or adds to Jesus' finished work on the cross should be avoided. Conversely, anyone who teaches that good works do not necessarily follow salvation is in error.

Scriptural or Psychological?
Does the teacher generally find the answers for life's difficulties in the Scriptures or in psychology? This error is especially noticeable on some radio call-in shows devoted to counseling, where biblical terms are redefined into psychological ones. Someone caught up in sin is called an addict. Depression and anxiety are treated not primarily as spiritual issues but as physical ones. Much emphasis is placed, not on dying to self, but on self-esteem. Such teaching can be a serious stumbling block to Christian maturity, converting believers from servants to "takers" and from sinners in need of grace to blame-shifters.

Doctrinal or Sensational?
Does the teacher expound the Scriptures or does he rely most heavily on private revelation from God or signs-and-wonders? Does he or she promise things the Bible doesn't, like wealth, healing from every disease or a pain-free life? The New Testament writers take it for granted that there will be difficulty and suffering in this life (1 Peter 4:19). To promise anything else sets listeners up for disappointment with God. Likewise, to teach that an individual should normally receive special revelation from God or experiences like uncontrollable language or laughter is unbiblical and can only lead to discouragement or dangerous flights of imagination.

A few more questions to help you evaluate a teacher:

• Is he or she faithfully interacting with Scripture, or have you noticed verses taken out of context or twisted to promote a certain point of view? Does he teach all of Scripture?
• Is the teacher moved by his own teaching? Does he admit to being awed by God's majesty, convicted of personal sin and challenged to greater service, or does he give the impression of having attained perfection?
• Does this teacher exhibit the fruit of the Spirit in his life, or is he mean-spirited, belittling those who disagree with him? Is he usually angry or unnecessarily divisive over non-essential matters?      
• Does this teacher consider biblical doctrine to be paramount, or are feelings and personal experience elevated to primary importance? Does the teacher have a high view of God and of Scripture? Does his teaching challenge you to follow God more closely, or does it simply make you feel better about who you are now?

How to actively pursue the best in Christian audio:

1. Ask your pastor for input.
   Ask your pastor if he has a radio program he recommends. You may also want to ask for his opinion about some of the programs you listen to regularly so that you can benefit from his insight.
2. Use technology to make the most of the good programs.
Are the best programs broadcast at a time you can't listen? Use a timer on your stereo to tape programs and listen at a more convenient time. Another way to make the most of a good program might be to listen via their website, where you can usually find archives of past broadcasts. Your church may offer online sermons you can listen to over the Internet, or to download to an MP3 player. Check the websites of seminaries and ministries associated with your church for more online audio options.
3. Invest in an audio Bible.
Instead of always listening to others talking about the Bible, consider investing in a good quality set of CDs or tapes of the Bible. One friend who listens to her audio Bible regularly says that she can listen to the same tape several times and hear something new nearly every time.

Finally, as you listen to Christian radio, be sure to keep it in its proper place as a supplement to your church experience and never as a substitute for it. No radio program can replace fellowship, corporate worship, or accountability to each other and to local church leadership in the body of Christ. As the Bible says, "Let us not give up meeting together" (Heb. 10:25a, NIV).
 

Copyright © 2005 Susan Verstraete.

On waiting for souls to come to Christ

From the diaries of Lilis Trotter, 1853-1928, a missionary to Algeria.

I have been thinking lately what a work for God it is, just loving people. He says in Deut. 22: "If an ox or an ass has gone astray, thou shalt bring it unto thine own house, and it shall be with thee till thy brother seek after it." I think He gives us sometimes a like service for souls - wandering souls that we cannot bring back to Him; sometimes all we can do is to keep them near us, and show the kindness of God to them, and hold them in faith and prayer till He comes to seek them.
- 25 April 1891

What if You Were Preston's Teacher?

His Sunday school teacher just might have driven him to crime.

When seven-year-old Preston Scarbrough woke up early one Sunday morning in July 2009, he just didn't want to go to church. He slipped out of the house while his family slept, got in the car and went for a drive that ended in a police chase reaching speeds of 40 miles an hour. Preston ran through a stop sign and barely missed hitting other cars in his effort to avoid capture. The police pursued Preston back to his home, where he jumped out of the car, ran into the house and down to the basement to hide.¹

I don't know what your first thought was, but when I heard this story, my heart went out to his Sunday school teacher. Can you imagine how she must have felt? There was one of her students on the national news, fleeing police, all in an effort to avoid this Sunday's Primary class. It would cause even the most seasoned and gifted teacher to reevaluate her approach.

Let's imagine that Preston was one of our students—yours or mine. Besides the fact that all little boys have active sin natures, what else might cause him to go to such lengths just to ditch church?

Does he know what to expect? Every class needs some sort of structure or schedule. Children feel secure in knowing what to expect from week to week. This is not to say you can never vary your routine, but establish some sort of continuity. It might be as simple as keeping the same order for prayer time, song time, memory verse time, story time and snack time each week.

Does he dread the chaos? Children don't look forward to attending a class that's out of control. When the teacher has to spend most of class correcting or cajoling the children to behave, no one learns much of anything and timid children feel insecure and frightened. Decide now that you are going to have a disciplined classroom, and do what it takes to make it one. Give the children clear direction. They should know not to speak without raising their hand during story time, for example, and that all the legs of the chair need to be on the floor all the time. You'll think of other rules. Enforce them consistently.

Having a disciplined classroom may also mean taking a firmer stance toward misbehaving children. Try giving them specific consequences for poor behavior—and if the behavior continues, don't be afraid to talk with parents after class (although usually, just reminding a child that you are willing to do this is enough!). You may want to assign seating or rearrange your classroom to keep troublemakers apart. But don't forget to reward good behavior, too, by calling attention to it and praising it.

Even using the best methods, you might need help to get your classroom under consistent control, especially if you have a large group. If so, ask the superintendent or leader responsible to have someone sit in on your class specifically to deal with children who misbehave. It's a little humbling for us as teachers to ask for help, but do it for the sake of your students.

Is he bored? Some children may be bored in class no matter how engaging the teacher is, but if most of your kids have glazed eyes and no response to the lesson most of the time, you might be the problem. Are you excited about what you are teaching? Your enthusiasm will be contagious. Are you teaching at the children's level? Aiming too low or too high will cause the children to lose interest. Did you spend enough time in the Bible, preparing your lesson? Even if you've taught Noah's ark every year for the last 20, take a fresh look at it and ask for God's help each time you teach it. He may show you something you never saw before, something He has specifically planned for you to teach your kids.

Does he know you love him? The well-known hymn writer Frances Ridley Havergal taught a children's Sunday school class for many years. Miss Havergal kept a register with all her students' names, addresses and attendance records. She knew each pupil, what their family was like and what their prayer requests were. She prayed for each child every day and took an interest in everything the children were doing. She visited them when they were sick and took every opportunity to talk to them about their soul. Her students loved her dearly because she loved them so much.

Even without using the latest high-tech methods or pandering with entertainment-based presentations, you can make your Sunday school class one of the high points in a child's week rather than something to avoid at any cost.
___________________________
¹ Reported in USA Today. http://blogs.usatoday.com/ondeadline/2009/07/utah-boy-7-drives-off-to-avoid-going-to-church-.html

When He Will Not Lead: Suggestions for Christian Wives in a Difficult Situation

A woman called the ministry where I work looking for help, and I could hear the anguish in her voice. She'd tried everything she could think of to get her Christian husband to shoulder the responsibility of spiritual leadership in their family, but nothing worked. In fact, things were getting worse, and she was so angry that she struggled just to be civil to him. She considered taking their children and leaving, but first she called us hoping that maybe we had the secret—something she could say or do that would fix what she felt was an intolerable marriage.

There's no question that this caller was in a complicated situation. I don't want to minimize her difficulty by suggesting that anyone could answer all her questions or solve her problems in a few easy steps. But there are some biblical principles that apply and might give her, and other women in her situation, hope. This is what I wish I would have told her:

You have not been forgotten. When we are chafing under a difficult situation, it's tempting to feel abandoned by God. We probably won't understand why He doesn't immediately answer our prayers, and why He doesn't bless our attempts to wiggle out of the circumstance.

It's vital to remember that every aspect of your life is under God's control. He has not forsaken you (Heb. 13:5b). This difficult circumstance comes from God's hand and is specifically designed for your good (Romans 8:28). Your husband may change, but he may not. Are you willing to humble yourself under the mighty hand of God (1 Peter 5:6) and accept whatever He ordains?

Evaluate your own attitudes. Here's a hard truth: No matter what your husband is or is not doing, all the commands of the Bible still apply to you. You are still required to respect your husband (1 Peter 3:1-2), to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show courtesy (Titus 3:2). You must put away all bitterness, wrath, anger, and evil speaking, both to him and about him (Eph. 4:31).

But just changing your behavior—gritting your teeth and biting your tongue—is not enough. If your anger toward your husband remains unchanged, your unspoken bitterness will be evident to him. He will hear disrespect in your sighs, see it in your rolled eyes, and feel it even when it's not being actively expressed. Your attitude will encourage him to be your adversary, not your leader. And you'll find it impossible to keep doing the right things unless you believe the right things. Your speech, actions, attitude and emotions toward your husband are a natural outflow of how you see the situation in which you find yourself.

Instead of just hanging on by grit and determination, look at your reactions in this difficult situation as an indicator of your own relationship with God. Are you tenderhearted and forgiving (Eph. 4:32)? Your husband's lack of leadership is no more (or less) awful than your own bitterness and pride. As we are humbled by seeing our own sinfulness, we are moved to forgive even as the Lord has forgiven us (Col. 3:13).

Be honest. It's okay to tell your husband what you want, and your duty to him as his sister in Christ is to gently, and privately, show him where he might be in error (Matt. 18:15). Make an appointment to talk with your husband at a time when you are both calm, and approach him in a non-threatening manner. Let your husband know that you will support his leadership and that your love for him is not dependent on him conforming to your will.

Watch your speech carefully. It's easy to slip into nagging and criticism, and it sometimes takes a real effort to be supportive and positive. That's why we have to be intentional in our speech, especially if we're trying to overcome bad habits in communication. You don't need to mention his every error or point out every shortcoming (1 Pet. 4:8)—you don't need to be his mother or the Holy Spirit. Instead, try to convey the idea that you see yourself and your husband as a team.

Ask for your husband's input often, and then heed it. For example, instead of nagging when we see something that needs attention, you might gently point it out to your husband and ask, "Would you like to do this or would you like for me to handle it?"

Do the right things. There's a school of thought that says a woman should never take up the slack in a family where the man is not acting as a leader. That is a method to manipulate, and, I think, an especially dangerous one. Even if your husband does not attend church regularly or misses for trivial reasons, you need to attend church faithfully. If he neglects to lead family worship, you need to make sure the children are taught.¹ Ask yourself, "What if this situation never changes?" You don't want to look back on a lifetime wasted in disobedience, waiting for something that might not happen.

Look to God. What you really want from and for your husband is change from the inside. You want him to want to fill the role that God has designed for husbands and fathers, for his own good and for God's glory. No amount of nagging or manipulation can bring about that kind of change.

But there is hope. God does answer prayer. If I could talk to our caller again, I'd urge her to continue to pray for her husband and to ask God for this supernatural gift of grace. And as she makes her request known to God and submits to His perfect will, she can experience the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, that will guard her heart and her mind in Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:6-7), no matter what happens next.
_____________________
¹ I suggest finding a regular time, if possible, when your husband isn't home to read the Bible and pray with your children. It'll be less obvious to them that dad isn't participating if he isn't home.

Read this Before You Nail His Socks to the Floor

Every night for 45 years, he took off his socks and left them on the floor by the bed. And every morning, she picked them up and put them in the hamper. And every day, she resented doing it just a little more. At first, it was just a quick feeling of annoyance. Then she began to think about it off and on during the day. After a few years, it was a real sore point, and finally, full-blown resentment. One morning, after 45 years of picking up his socks, she took a hammer and nailed all his socks to the floor by the bed—well, all of them except the pair he was wearing. "If that's where he wants his socks," she thought, "that's where they will stay."

Can you identify with her feelings? I can. My friend had let resentment overcome her. The dictionary defines resentment as a deep, reflective displeasure against the conduct of the offender. It happens when we dwell on an offense, or when an annoyance is repeated (without being forgiven) over and over.

If we feel resentment, we can't just glibly excuse ourselves on the basis of our situation. No matter how someone else behaves toward us, resentment is still sin, and it leads to bitterness. And so, if you are considering something drastic like my friend, put down your hammer. There's a better way.

First, don't "just do it". . . Picking up the socks every day and ignoring the feelings attached to the situation can be deadly. If you really can overlook his forgetfulness, great! But if you feel resentment or nagging annoyance, it's an indication that you need to think it through, and to preach truth to yourself to change your perspective about the situation. We usually want to avoid this hard work, choosing rather to let our ire simmer. But as believers, we don't have an option to indulge sin.

. . . but do it. All that being said, you still have to do it. The Bible says that if you know what is right to do and don't do it, it is sin (James 4:17). So if you come across a spill that someone didn't wipe up, or if someone didn't show up to teach again, you can't just walk away, and you can't indulge your resentment. You need to find a way to serve in the situation presented to you with a glad heart.

Second, communicate. It probably goes without saying that often (but not always) you should talk about, and to, the source of your resentment. I'm not suggesting you nag, but we have to remember that no one is a mind reader. Try saying, if you haven't, that one way your husband or family can express love to you is to let you know if they plan to miss dinner or [insert your situation here].

Remember that what they are doing is probably just a result of forgetfulness, laziness or habit, and isn't meant to be a personal offense. And also remember that, as Elizabeth Elliot reminds us in her book Let Me Be a Woman, everyone is married to a sinner—even your husband. It's just possible that I feel resentment because I am controlling, prideful or holding the people around me to unreasonable standards. If that seems possible in your case, it's worth discussing the situation with a wise friend. Just be sure you are really asking for perspective and don't slip into complaining.

Third, preach to yourself. The Bible has given us the truth we need to change our perspective in this situation. Consider reminding yourself of the following:

Proverbs 14:4a-Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean. Or, to paraphrase, "Where there is no family, the house stays clean." One of my friends was in danger of feeling resentful toward her husband for the pile of magazines, books, bills and other papers that was always piled by his easy chair. That is, she resented it until she pictured what it would be like to have that spot clean, and his chair forever empty. Is having a family worth the small annoyances? And at church—is the joy of watching children growing up in the knowledge of Christ worth the occasional sticky-sucker-on-your-chair incident?

I Thessalonians 5:18-In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. So everyone leaves their empty glasses and snack dishes out at night for you to pick up the next day—why would you be thankful? Maybe you can thank God that your family was home enjoying each other, or that God provided food and shelter, or that you can serve your family this way while your husband is serving your family at work. When I'm annoyed over petty chores, it helps me to think about how blessed I am compared to my grandmothers, who raised their families without indoor plumbing or electricity. How can I complain about replacing the empty TP roll compared to what they had to do? Gratitude banishes resentment.

Romans 12:10-Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. We are commanded to compete with others—to see who can be the first to make the coffee or empty the trash. How different life would be if all of us competed for the privilege of mundane tasks like unloading the dishwasher! When you walk into a situation looking for ways to serve and show honor, you put to death the kind of pride that expects others to serve and honor you.

James 4:10a-Humble yourselves before the Lord… In other words, remember who you are compared with God. When we get this right, it's easy to gratefully accept the place He has put us and the little annoyances that come our way. God knows when every sparrow falls, and He knows that my grown son has a pile of empty plastic water bottles on his dresser that should be recycled. If God has ordained for me to either recycle them or live with it, I'm not going to question Him. But I have to see the water bottles in the light of truth—otherwise I may rebel against the situation and inadvertently rebel against the loving God who put me here.

Ephesians 4:32-Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. It becomes easy to forgive when we remember how we've been forgiven. What's an empty milk carton put back into the fridge, compared to my own massive debt of sin?

Philippians 2:5-8-Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. When I consider Christ, the Son of God, washing the disciples' feet, and the creator of the universe suffering for me, it's impossible to imagine a chore that is "beneath" me. Let's pray that He will teach us to serve with humility, following His example.

Ezekiel and the Dry Bones, a slightly scary Bible story for Children

I think I might like to have a pet chicken. If I dig a hole and bury a chicken bone from last night's dinner, do you think I could grow a chicken? What if I put the bone in a cage with some chicken feed? If I wait long enough, will the chicken grow back around the old chicken bone? No, of course not. But let me tell you a story from the Bible about some bones that did come to life.

A very long time ago, a man named Ezekiel was sad. He and many other people who worshipped the one true God were taken away from their homes by soldiers and carried away to a place called Babylon, far from the temple in Israel where they worshipped God. God saw how sad His people were and didn't want them to lose hope, so He sent a vision to Ezekiel.

Now a vision is something like a dream, because it isn't really happening. It's also different than a dream, because Ezekiel saw it when he was awake. It was a picture God used to show Ezekiel what He was going to do for Israel. I think God has something to teach us from this vision, too.

In his vision, God set Ezekiel in the middle of a valley full of bones. Everywhere he looked, there were bones scattered on the ground. That would have been spooky enough, but as he looked carefully, Ezekiel saw that these weren't chicken bones or the bones of wild animals—they were people bones!

On the ground were skulls and anklebones, little rounded bones like the ones that make up your spine and long bones like the ones in your legs. There were little toe bones and stubby finger bones and curved rib bones and the tiny bones that belong inside the ear. It looked like the bones had been in the valley a long time, because they were very dry. God asked, "Ezekiel, can these bones live?"

What would you say?

Ezekiel wasn't sure. He answered God, "You are the only one who knows, Lord." Wasn't that a good answer? Then God told Ezekiel, "Tell these dry bones to listen to the word of the Lord." Say, "I am going to bring you back to life." Ezekiel obeyed God and said to the bones, "Hear the word of the Lord!" Then he watched carefully.

Ezekiel heard a little rustle, and then a louder rattle, and then so much clacking and rattling he could barely hear himself think! As he watched, bones began sorting themselves out and attaching themselves to each other—finger bones to hand bones, hand bones to wrist bones, wrist bones to arm bones and on and on.

Finally the skulls were plopped on top of the skeletons and they were finished—but wait! As Ezekiel watched, they grew muscles, and then they grew skin. They looked just like living people—a whole army of people made from the dry bones.
God told Ezekiel to speak again, and the army began to breathe and move. Now they were living people.

Remember, I told you that this story was a vision. There wasn't a real valley full of bones that came to life. But it was a real picture of how God would bring Ezekiel's people back to their home—He would make the nation that seemed dead alive again. It is also picture of something even more exciting; something that God can do for you and me.

God says that because of sin—the bad things that we do that displease God—our souls can't understand God and can't love Him. (Your soul is the part of you that thinks and has feelings and lives forever.) Our souls are dead toward God. Can they come alive? Yes! That's one thing we learned from Ezekiel's vision—God can make dead things come alive. And just like the bones came to life when they heard the words of the Lord, our souls can come alive toward God when we hear what He has to say in His Word, the Bible.

In the Bible, God tells us who He is—that He is the creator of the World and that He sent his Son so that people like us can be forgiven. He tells us about Jesus, God's Son who lived a perfect life and then died on the cross. Jesus came back to life again to show everyone that God accepted His death as punishment for the sins of His people. The Bible teaches us how our souls can be made alive and become part of an army of people who will live forever with God. Hear the word of the Lord!

The Theology of Coloring

I learned how to teach Sunday school from the women who taught me as a child. We'd go to class, sing a few songs, repeat a memory verse, listen to a Bible story with a moralistic application and then get out the big box of broken, smelly crayons. I colored my way through the Bible dozens of times during the course of my childhood. It was how things were done. And it's how I did things in my class, too.

And then someone asked me, "What do your students learn by coloring?"

That simple question started a chain of thought. What do they learn from coloring? What do they learn from the songs we sing? Is it enough just to help the children become familiar with Bible stories and send them off with a good moral lesson? Here are a few suggestions based on what I've learned in 20 years of teaching since then.

O be careful little mouth, what you sing. If you sing with your students in Sunday school, take a fresh look at the lyrics and what they teach. For example, nearly all children love to sing "Father Abraham" and perform the movements--but what does it mean to them, really? Or maybe you should try asking your students if they know what fountain is flowing deep and wide (or with bleach and Tide, depending on your song leader). I'm not against having fun with singing in Sunday school, but fun should never be the primary focus of the precious time you have with your students. Review your song list. Does it include songs with faulty theology or confusing lyrics? Believers aren't called to climb Jacob's ladder. Scripture is curiously silent about the location of Sunshine Mountain. We can do better.

My students enjoy singing Scripture set to familiar tunes. We learn one verse at a time and repeat all the songs each week. By the end of the semester they have an impressive number of verses painlessly memorized.¹ We also found songs that teach, for example, the books of the Bible, the ten plagues or the names of the disciples.² You can easily find more on the Internet or write your own to reinforce your specific lesson. You may want to consider teaching your students some of the old hymns, explaining the lyrics as you all learn them together.

Use crafts strategically. I have a little pile of hot-glued pebbles on my desk—the craft from a recent lesson. Every time I look at it, I'm reminded of Samuel's Ebenezer—his stone of remembrance—and to thank God that wherever I am in the day's schedule, I've come this far with His help (1 Samuel 7:12). It's fine to use crafts in class as long as there is a purposeful design behind it and you explain that concept to the children. You might want to create a craft that will help your students keep the memory verse in a place where they will see it, or serve others with gifts for parents or cards for shut ins. Just be sure to ask yourself that same question, "What are my students learning by doing this?" and make sure you convey the desired answer to the children.

Review, review, review. Even if you teach your lesson perfectly (and who does?), by the end of class your students will retain only a small percentage of what you said. By the next Sunday, they'll remember even less. It's vital to review the previous lessons each week in order to give context to what you're teaching and to plant the stories firmly in the minds of your students.

Review can be a part of the lesson the children look forward to. Be creative. In my class, we play a review game nearly every week. Primaries always want to play boys vs. girls, and so we have an ongoing challenge between the sexes. You can find many methods for review games online, like Jeopardy or hangman. There are also variations of board games, where the children advance a token as they correctly answer questions. You might consider having the children play in teams or at least with partners and allow your students to help each other. This avoids embarrassment for the child who doesn't have an answer and teaches the children to support each other.

Theology is not just for grown ups. As you teach through the Bible, you will find natural opportunities to teach big concepts to your class. Don't be afraid to try! Use the right theological terms, but explain them carefully and on the student's level. For example, the story of David and Goliath is the perfect vehicle to teach what it means to think theocentrically.³ Teach the difference between true repentance and remorse with the story of Saul. Explain our desperate need for an alien righteousness when you talk about the Ten Commandments. Children learn complex words in other areas of study, like science and music, so why not in your class, too?

Point to Christ. The ultimate goal of Christian education is to point our students to Christ. To accomplish this, you need to be intentional. Make sure you ask yourself, "What can this story teach my students about sin and salvation?" It's a challenge to find Jesus in every story that you teach, but by doing so you will be blessed by truth and you will bless your students.
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 ¹For example, use the tune for "Jingle Bells" to sing, "For while we-were still weak-at the right time-Christ died for the ungodly. Romans five, verse six." Christian Communicators Worldwide also offers a children's Bible memory program with music at http://www.ccwtoday.org/teachersparents_bibleabcs.asp
² See http://www.ccwtoday.org/teachersparents_learningbyheart.asp for some of these resources.
³ You might use a visual aide to help the children see that the Israelite army saw Goliath as big because they consider God rightly. David saw God as big, and so he saw Goliath as one of God's creations--subject to God's control.

Methodical Love

They loved her. The rest of the world remembers Frances Ridley Havergal for writing such great hymns as “Take my Life and Let it Be,” “Like a River Glorious” and “Count Your Many Blessings,” but to her fourteen students, she was just Miss Havergal, the dear woman who taught their Sunday school class.

Though Frances taught her class as a group, she thought of them as individuals, and it made all the difference. She created a register with a page for each of her students. She kept track of their attendance, noted and acknowledged their birthdays and faithfully recorded their prayer requests. She often wept as she prayed for her students, begging God to convert them and for Him to help her to teach. She visited her charges in their homes and invited them to hers. She talked with them about their souls and about their everyday life. She methodically invested in the lives of her students, and they loved her for it.[1]

 

I don’t think anyone handed Miss Havergal a Sunday school teacher's job description on her first day that included bullet points like “weep over their souls” or “send birthday notes.” She just loved her students. That love was expressed through simple, practical means, like remembering a birthday, or noticing an absence.

 

You don’t have to be a teacher or church leader to methodically express love in your own situation. Pick a small group of people, and look out for them. Decide what you are going to do, start small and consider using a checklist to help your memory.

 

Peter tells us to “love one another earnestly” (1 Peter 1:22). Are you methodically planning to do it? Can you imagine what your church would be like if everyone did?

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[1] Information about Frances Ridley Havergal was taken from the biography titled, Frances Ridley Havergal, Hymnwriter by Esther Enock, Ambassador, 2001.

I Wish You Hadn't Said That! : Guidelines for Speaking Correctly in Small Groups

I know you've been there. It's prayer request time in your small group meeting and someone says something that makes you squirm.

• "I think we should all be praying for Jane. She's been on my heart lately. She told me confidentially . . . "
• "We should be praying for our leadership. I still can't believe they decided to . . . "
• "My husband wouldn't tell anyone this, but he . . ."

Despite our best intentions, prayer request time and open discussion in a small group setting can be like an obstacle course. We want everyone to grow close and to talk freely about genuine issues in their lives, but while doing so, the group has to conquer hurdles of gossip, criticism and indiscreet speech. How can we both encourage honest communication and guard against unprofitable conversation? The following guidelines may help.

Don't tell the group anything about another church member that you don't have permission to tell. Some people in crisis would love to have your small group praying for them, but others choose to ask for prayers from only a few close friends. Be sure to ask before you mention their situation to your group.

Don't tell the group anything so personal about your spouse or child that it would break their confidence. It's important to remember that people feel differently about what's appropriate to share with the group. A good rule of thumb is, "What would happen if one of the group decided to discuss this situation with my family member?" If your spouse or child would be uncomfortable in such a situation, you should probably keep quiet. Also, be careful to avoid criticizing your family members in speaking to others. If you need counsel or support in a difficult family situation, choose one trustworthy person to talk to, not the whole group.

Don't repeat what you hear in the group without permission of the one who shares the information. If the individual experiencing a trial wants the whole church to know, he or she will tell them or give you permission to do so. Keeping confidences will build trust among the members of your small group.

Don't use the meeting to air your complaints against the church. Negative speech against the church or its leaders is always inappropriate in this forum. The Bible forbids both complaining (Philippians 2:14) and listening to idle complaints against elders (I Timothy 5:19). Exploring grievances in a small group forum is divisive because it breeds discontent and distrust (Proverbs 6:16-19; Titus 3:10-11). Talking directly to the leadership is the appropriate, biblical way to deal with genuine concerns (Matthew 18:15-17).

Remember that confidentiality within the group does not override God's instruction concerning church discipline. Don't expect the group to keep it a secret from the church leadership if you are continually and unrepentantly sinning in some area. If you are having an affair, harboring a grudge, etc., and make it clear you plan to continue in this sin, the group is obligated to act according to biblical guidelines (Matthew 18:15-17; Galatians 6:1; James 5:19-20; 1 Corinthians 5).

Everyone in the group is responsible for the conversation and its content. If the group strays into unprofitable speech, you need to correct them. If you are uncomfortable with the way the conversation is leaning, take responsibility to gently redirect it. Stopping a friend in mid-sentence with "Maybe we shouldn't be talking about this . . . . By the way, how did your prayer request from last week turn out?" is much kinder than allowing them to continue in speech they'll regret later. Silently enduring a session of gossip or criticism profits no one.

How to use these guidelines:
If you are starting a small group in the near future, consider presenting these ideas at the first meeting, and reviewing them periodically with the group. Existing groups can also adopt these guidelines. If your group doesn't, you can at least use them to monitor your own speech.

Let no corrupt speech proceed out of your mouth,
but such as is good for edifying as the need may be,
that it may give grace to them that hear. Ephesians 4:29

Looking in From the Outside

Have you met the Jones family? They're fairly new to the church. In fact, they are always new to one church or another. They just can't seem to find a place where they fit in. The churches always seem welcoming enough, and the doctrine and preaching are fine. But when their status as visitors wears off and real church life begins, they are dissatisfied. They just can't seem to find their niche. They long for real fellowship—for mutual encouragement, correction, and for the experience of belonging to a loving family that shares joys and trials—but don't find it. They attend less and less, and finally go off in search of a new church to start the process all over again.

Or perhaps you've seen Sally. She's been attending on the edges of fellowship for 10 years or more. She's given up the hope of finding meaningful relationships in the church, and you can see the resentful disappointment in her face. She flees as soon as the last hymn is sung, never attends any other church functions and frankly, no one notices. Sally understands that she has no real connections in the church and that she's missing something that she hungers for, but she doesn't know how to fix it.

Or perhaps you haven't just met these folks; perhaps you are these folks. Or at least, you can identify with their feelings of being on the outside of real, intimate fellowship in the church. I've experienced times like that in my life, too, and believe it or not, it wasn't the fault of the church. I wasn't doing everything the Bible commanded me to do as a member of the body. What about you?

Are you showing up consistently? And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some . . . (Hebrews 10:24-25a) You won't have close relationships in the church if you don't make spending time with the people a priority. That means that you attend regularly, and not just the worship service. Does your church offer small groups? A men's or women's Bible study? Find a group that fits your situation, and commit to attend regularly.

Are you serving? As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace (1 Peter 4:10). Have you let the church leadership know that you want to serve? When you are new to a fellowship, it may be take a little time to find just the right place, so be flexible. Be willing to work in supporting roles and be utterly dependable, and God will lead you to the best avenue of service.

You may need to invent a new ministry! An elderly gentleman I know was limited in the ways he could contribute. He became "the birthday man" who sent cards to all the children in the church, letting them know he was praying for them on their special day. The children (and their parents) went out of their way to meet the man who sent the cards. His simple act of service created a bridge for him to get to know and support young families.

Are you encouraging others? . . . but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near (Hebrews 10:25b). Did you just hear an extremely helpful sermon or Bible lesson? Were you encouraged by someone in a personal conversation? Are you grateful for godly leadership in your church? Communicate! Talk to the person who blessed you, send an email, or better yet, a handwritten note.

Make an effort to greet one person you don't know well every time you attend. They may be feeling as disconnected as you do! Even something as simple as a smile can be an encouragement to a brother or sister who feels discouraged or lonely. A smile also encourages others to talk to you. Don't be known as the scary person with the angry expression, but as characteristically warm, smiling and approachable.

Are you helping others and showing hospitality? Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. (Romans 12:13) When the church asks for volunteers to help someone move or provide meals for the sick, make yourself available. You'll get to know the people you help and forge the beginnings of a relationship.

Even though it may be intimidating, try inviting someone from church over for lunch or out for coffee. If you are a poor conversationalist like I am, it takes some pressure off to invite two people over at the same time (since they can keep the conversation rolling when I'm tongue-tied). Keep it simple and don't get hung up on presenting a perfect house or gourmet food. Let the focus be on relationship instead of on your entertaining skills. Just think what a difference you could make in Sally's life by making the first move in building a relationship!

Did you notice that most of these suggestions encourage us to look outward—toward those we can help—and not inward, wishing someone would reach out to us? When we start meeting the needs of others instead of waiting for others to meet ours, we'll suddenly find our place in the life of the body. Try it!

Helping Friends Who Receive The Call We All Dread

It's happened to all of us. We get a call or an email letting us know that someone we love has a family member in the hospital in serious condition, and we want to help. Our hearts immediately turn to prayer, but along with that, we long to find tangible ways to help our friends bear their burden (Gal.6:2). Here are some suggestions to get us started.

Be there. Our natural inclination is to be afraid of intruding at a difficult time, but just showing up at the hospital to sit for a few minutes with a friend in the waiting room will remind the family they aren't alone. Don't worry about what to say. Just ask a few questions and let them do the talking. Knowing that there are friends concerned enough to show up and to pray for a loved one (whom they might not even know) gives great comfort.

Be specific. Instead of a well-intentioned comment like "if there's anything I can do. . ." offer a specific service, no matter how small. You might suggest taking their turn in the nursery at church or helping out at home by mowing a lawn, collecting mail, watering plants or babysitting. Or, you might prefer to be a liaison between the family and a group of friends (like a Sunday School class or home group), sending out email updates or making phone calls to pass along information. At the hospital, you might ask if there's a specific time the family would like for you to sit with the patient when they won't be available to do so. If you can't think of a specific way to help, ask your friend about their to-do list and see if you can help with one of those tasks.

Be creative. Think of simple things the family might need. You might provide a small bag with items like a notepad, pens, a crossword puzzle book, a magazine, wet wipes, and mints. Or perhaps you could bring bottled water and healthy snacks (fruit, granola bars) for their vigil in the waiting room. Even the most seasoned believer may have run out of the house without a Bible when they received the call that their loved one was ill. Consider providing an inexpensive one for the family to use and perhaps leave in the waiting room when the crisis is over. Meals at home are often appreciated. For something different, consider providing a deli tray so that when family members dash home for a quick shower or change of clothes, they can also grab a quick sandwich.

Be comforting. Deep and lasting comfort in trials comes from Scripture, and especially from what is revealed there about the character of God. You'll have favorite verses to share, but you might also consider Hebrews 4:15 (Jesus sympathizes with us), Psalm 56:8 (God is aware of our suffering), Isaiah 41:10 and Psalm 23:4 (we have nothing to fear when God is with us), and Romans 8:35 (suffering does not separate us from the love of God). Try to avoid quoting Scriptures rapid-fire at the family. Instead, let a Scripture verse come up naturally in your conversation or write out two or three applicable verses so the family can review them later.

Be dedicated. While ministering to the family at the onset of a crisis is invaluable, so is continued contact as days and weeks pass by. Even if you didn't get in touch with the family initially, be assured that calling later, sending cards or visiting will be welcome as recovery continues. You may consider sending a card to the patient every week, or emails letting the family know that you are continuing to pray for their loved one. Ask regularly for specific prayer requests, and rejoice with the family when God grants them.

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

Things you don't need

Just for fun, here are a few items you don't need from Amazon:

From a review:"The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That's when I found the 571B Banana Slicer." The reviews of this item made me laugh until I cried.


Glad there's a matching set . . .

Hospitality the Easy Way

Fried hotdogs, macaroni and cheese from a box and canned green beans are hardly the stuff of which great culinary memories are made, but this was the menu that changed my life. I know that sounds a little dramatic, but let me explain.

When I was a new mother and a new Christian, one of the older women in the church graciously invited me to lunch in her home. I expected to find what my mother would have provided, a home that had been freshly scrubbed from top to bottom, tiny sandwiches on fine china, a rich dessert that took hours to make and a nervous, exhausted hostess. What I got was, well, you guessed it. Fried hotdogs, macaroni and cheese from a box, canned green beans in a cluttered home daycare center—and a whole new, relaxed attitude about entertaining. From this enjoyable lunch and many after, I learned from my friend that the biblical command to show hospitality isn't about a perfect menu or a spotless home, but about kindness and inclusiveness. Below I've listed a few ideas to help make hospitality easy to provide, as Peter said, without grumbling.

Make it routine. Every Sunday after church, a friend's family prepares brunch—eggs, pancakes, hash browns and sausage. Everyone in the family has an assigned task and the menu is always the same, so adding another family only means cracking a few more eggs and setting a few more chairs at the table. This simple, inexpensive menu allows the family flexibility to invite visitors home after church without knowing the exact number of guests to expect.

Another friend's "company dinner" menu seldom varies—meatloaf, mashed potatoes and green beans. As she says, "It's not about the food." So she streamlined the work of menu planning, always has her ingredients on hand and knows her simple recipe by heart.

Do what you can. Obeying the command to provide hospitality doesn't mean you have to invite the entire church for a formal dinner. One young couple I know lived in a small apartment on a tight budget, but extended hospitality by inviting our home group for cocoa and conversation after a Christmas caroling party. It doesn't take much room or money to have a few people over for popcorn and board games, or to watch a rented DVD.

Be creative. Different circumstances call for displaying hospitality in different ways—it won't always mean Sunday dinner. Do you attend church without your husband? Perhaps you should consider hosting lunch for some women during the day when he's at work, or offering your home for a regular daytime Bible study. Single? You are in a perfect position to minister to others in the same situation. How about inviting an elderly widow over for a simple dinner? One older woman I know prepares Sunday breakfast for two young, single students that live in her apartment building. They love having a home-cooked meal, and she enjoys mothering them. Pray that the Holy Spirit will help you find ways to express hospitality in your unique situation.

Make hospitality a lifestyle. Though we usually think of hospitality in relationship to our homes, I encourage you to expand the definition. Many of the same skills that you use to make a guest feel comfortable in your home can be used to make a guest feel comfortable in your church or small group. Introduce yourself and then introduce others to the guest. Find a common ground for conversation. Show them where to find classrooms and restrooms. Make sure they know they are welcome.

Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.
Matthew 25:40

Christian Romance Novels: Our Dirty Little Secret?

She was an intimate friend, and I was in her confidence from the beginning. She was feisty and quite pretty, but not in a fussy way. Life dealt her some hard blows, but she was self-sufficient and didn't need a man to take care of her—or at least, so she thought. I could have told her the right man would be the answer to all her problems, but she never seemed to listen. I suffered with her through tragedy and trembled when her life was in peril. And I felt a vicarious delight when he came on the scene—the strong, handsome, masculine hero that would rescue her from her lonely, cold existence and teach her all about real love. Oh, and I almost forgot—they went to church sometimes.

That's the plot, more or less, of every Christian romance novel I've ever read. In the past, I read a lot of them. If you are like most believing women I know, at some point you've read one, too. Obviously someone is reading them. One major Christian bookseller has over 2,000 current titles listed in this category. There are several clubs that send members a new Christian romance novel every week. While you are waiting for the mailman to deliver the next selection, you can surf to an author fan site or one of dozens of sites that review and suggest books in this genre.

So, is this a harmless area of Christian liberty? I'll let you decide. But it wouldn't hurt to look more carefully at what we are reading and how it might—just might—be a problem for some of us.

Have you turned off your intellect? When researchers asked women why they read Christian romance, an overwhelming majority said they valued the books because they inspired an emotional response. That's not necessarily wrong, but we need to be discerning even when reading fiction. For example, whole series of novels are written that are "Christian" in name only. The characters are practical atheists who may attend church, but their faith does not impact their decisions. We don't want to passively accept this as normative Christian behavior.

We also have to remember that in these books, God behaves in the way the author causes Him to behave. The theology illustrated in the book is always fallible because the author is fallible. It's easy to get discouraged when we read over and over about God speaking audibly to the characters in a novel, or when we see that their loved ones always get saved before the last chapter. It's also worth mentioning that some romantic situations in these books may actually be adultery, depending on the author's view of divorce and remarriage. If you read them, do so with your head as well as your heart, and don't let them shape your understanding of God.

Does it teach idolatry? I know that sounds harsh, but hear me out. If the heroine in your novels is always saved by a lover, that's a false redemption. Christ is our Redeemer, and God is our ever-present help in time of trouble. Our hope is in Christ, not in Prince Charming. No mere man can fix all our problems. Accepting this idolatrous view of romantic relationships will cause you to place pressures on your husband that will end in deep disappointment, if not disaster. Only Jesus can be your Savior.

Is it changing your expectations? This is a subtle problem and nearly impossible to self-diagnose. Do you think that God will always wrap up all the loose ends in your life in a timely manner? Do you expect your life to always be exciting, or your work always fulfilling? Should you always be the center of attention? Do you fantasize about being rescued by a man from a situation in which you feel helpless? If so, you may have been influenced by reading Christian romances.

Is it a form of emotional adultery? God has designed our relationship with Him, the marriage relationship and our relationships in the church to meet our deep need for emotional intimacy. We may unintentionally circumvent this plan by vicariously identifying with heroine after heroine in these novels, selfishly meeting our own emotional needs instead of letting those needs drive us into real, sometimes messy, relationships.

Is it a steady diet? Finishing a Christian romance novel is a little like taking the last bite of a hot fudge sundae. We usually feel a little sad that it's over. The fantasy has ended and we return to our comparatively boring, unglamorous, meat-and-potatoes lives. The temptation is, of course, to immediately pick up a new book and immerse ourselves in a new fantasy.

In the same way that we should not allow a steady diet of hot fudge sundaes, we should not allow ourselves a steady diet of popular fiction. If we do so, we miss the chance to read material that will teach us good theology, help us grow as believers, and develop realistic expectations about relationships and spirituality.

Instead, I urge you to try reading biographies of Christian women like Ann Judson, Amy Carmichael or Sarah Edwards. Many women have found the books Stepping Heavenward and Pilgrim's Progress to be helpful works of fiction. Ask your pastor or a trusted older woman in your church to recommend more titles. Challenge yourself to read books of substance.